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Thursday, March 27, 2008

Dear Clothing Designers- I am fat and average--- please stop torturing me....

6 hours... of my life.

6 hours spent wiggling and jiggling and sweating in claustrophopic conditions attempting to find a "casual" outfit that "worked". That's what clothes shopping has come too. I hate it. Which is probably good for my budget, but, is not so good for my self esteem. Three way mirrors with flourescent mega watt lighting is enough to make Angelina Jolie, cry of shame. (umm maybe not- but one could hope I'm not alone crying in the fitting room why don't they call them the unfitting room- the truth is we go in there to see if something doesn't fit- correct?)

There is a strange dichotomy in the current fashion industry- the focus seems to be on one of two things: getting people pregnant (risque half nekkidness)--- or making them look like they are. (That statement solidifies my "approaching 40 sounding and getting old award" for the year)

Cute top after cute top was tried on---sadly, what was cute on the rack was either maternity-ish on the bod, or just plain in appropriate. This lead me from one store to another--- in search of the perfect (or at least the not embarrassingly bad, outfit. It probably didn't help that I was PMSing--- but PMS or not-- ugly is ugly, and fashion is weird.

Things I do not understand about current fashion: (and that prove I am old- and fat)

Tops that do not allow for women to have br**sts. (Where exactly am I suppose to store them? Offsite?)

Tops that draw and quarter br**asts. (four b**bs are NOT better than 2) Empire waists are to be placed UNDER the br**sts..l not in the MIDDLE of them!

Tops that have ribbons bows and strange gathering where one least needs it...ruffles at the bottom of tunic length tops are just WRONG.

Tops too short to avoid muffin-topping. (What used to be known as ones hips...) (I know-- my problem isn't so much muffin tops as a bundt cake butt)

Tops that require the purchase of additional layering pieces to make them even remotely appropriate. (However- nice try with the "selling up" attempt Fashion industry-- it's working) Also-layered tops that are sewn together in such a way as to become a mass of knotted fabric in the washing machine... yeah- love that.

Please stop making t-shirts that look fine until you get them home, then they turn see-thru. (Especially when they actually fit- that's just plain mean.)

T-shirts sized to fit barbie dolls.. and sold for full-grown adult women. Really--- do you think I will buy more black t-shirts if I have to buy a size 2 x?.. I am not a 2 x... thats ridiculous. Vanity sizing works for me.

Wrap tops that don't wrap--- they GAP. *Also the whole point of wrap tops is that they can be wrapped and fitted to perfection... please stop sewing them at weird places--- it defeats the purpose of the wrap.

Tops that are otherwise perfect- but with one strange fatal flaw--- like sleeves that make my wrists look fat...(they do--- I swear!) or openings where I least need them..

Built in bras that do nothing but mush and smoosh. (Hello... any one over a b cup will end up with the infamous uni-b**b. Like 4 b**bs, one is not better than two.)

Jackets cut ...almost to fit---if I didn't have br**sts.

Cropped.... anything.... but especially jackets and tops.

Jeans--- should we even go there---? I would however- like to thank the fashion industry for upping the rise from 1 1/2 inches to 4 1/2. So much better. :(

Also- proponents of global warming thank you for improvement of cracks in the atmosphere.

Skirts--- there seems to be only 2 types- those of the "I thought I was a belt, but I am a skirt" type...and the "Oh my word, how much ugly fabric can we elasticize and still be able to call it a skirt, not a tent? " type. 'nuff said. I just want a normal skirt that fits my butt AND my waist and isn't too short or too long... is that too much to ask?

Suggestion: Think Pencil-skirt but with one of those ergonomic grip things on it;)

Weird huge belts on highwaisted pants.... "Hello, my b**bs are sitting on a belt-shelf?" Not a good look.

Pants with ankles more narrow than my wrists.... my goal is not to look like a giant "?" Question mark. Fluffy tops with tiny bottoms are weird.

Shoes... well shoes are always weird-- and uncomfortable, but i love them anyways. Probably because I can get them to fit.

I don't get it at all. I am the "average" size according to statistics. (Although I am not exactly liking the statistics..) If I am the average....why are clothing manufacturers making clothing designed for stick figures with perky b**bs that look cute in maternity tops???? (And since when do stick figures have b**bs at all? And why do mannequins have nip*les? But, I digress....)

In short- Clothes shopping- not so fun. Making fun of clothes shopping??? Yeah, pretty fun...

However- I will say this: "Silver Jeans" ???

Yeah- pretty much perfect. So Perfect- I bought them without being on sale!!!!

Ok, enough complaining--- anyone have recommendations for tops- skirts etc???? List your fave's with links in the comments;) Or- go ahead and complain--- it's that kind of day;)

As for personal updates--- my family is sick yet again- and on Spring Break....

This time looks like a nasty cold- or flu thing. Current score? 2 down- 3 to go.... we're dropping like flies around here...

Will someone, please send sunshine, quick????

PS--- just realized bathing suit season is nearly upon us------help!

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