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Thursday, March 23, 2006

A SAHM Confesses.....I'm AWOL.
EDITED: 3/23/2006

I have made some edits to this post- because I think it's important, to clarify my intent.

I may delete it entirely.

Honestly, I am praying and asking God about it. I have deleted it from blogger--- mainly because I don't want to re-do the edits- (blogger is a pain in the butt) - I'm emotionally pooped at the moment. ( i decided to copy cut paste.)

These are issues that mom's feel- and face- insecurity, defensiveness, jealousy, comparison. They are real. I know that by being honest here- I'm taking a vulnerable risk. But- the truth is- I've had these feelings. It's taken years of time with other moms- learning about their experiences--- seeing their struggles---to get thru them... I am asking for forgiveness for ever having had these feelings.

My hope is that by being vulnerable about these feelings, and why I've had them...maybe I can help other moms on 2 levels-

1) For the single and working moms- to ask for their forgiveness, and to offer an explanation of how the feelings formed. I recognize that they have nothing to do with you--- but everything to do with me. (Isn't that how most things are?) I believe that greater understanding can lead to greater love and compassion.

2) To challenge other moms - regardless of their personal circumstances--- to look at their part in the MommyWars---to look at WHY they feel the way they do, to be honest about it, and to allow God to heal and change them, as I trust He continues to do with and in me.

I'm asking you to think about it.



OK. Thats it. The war is over.

Not the one you may be thinking of. I'm talking about "The Mommy Wars".

Here is one account:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/national/longterm/mommywars/mommy.htm
I'm not the only one who's been involved. The Mommy Wars are everywhere--- and they are not new.

I may not have all the super powers-- necessary to end the war----(though Noah say's I'm "Spider Mom--- to his Spider Boy" ) but- I want to confess to going AWOL. Part of being a Christian- is respecting the differences that God has designed and created- both in us--- and in His plan for our lives. I want to do that.

Honestly- I left the battle a long time ago---- but I want to tell the Working Mom's and the Single Mom's how sorry I am- for ever being a part. Maybe if you know what One SAHM has really thought and felt--- it could help end the war... and we could learn to encourage and love each other-- and help each other honor God with all of our lives.....

So... here's the confession:

Dear Working and Single Mom's:

1) Sometimes--- I am jealous of you. (Yeah- I know it's stupid---- your life is no piece of cake) I am jealous-- cause- well--- I suppose it's because I sometimes wish I could GO to WORK... and leave it there- and then, come home. My work follows me everywhere- including the bathroom....(Since you're a Mom, I suppose you know that!)

I'm sorry for overlooking the unique struggles you face---- because I'm blinded by my own. And- I'm sorry for assuming mine are harder to deal with.
They are not--- they are just different.


2) Sometimes- I 'm afraid you're better than me--- because , well- because I think you must be WORTH more--- probably because you get paid to do your job..... while I KNOW in MY gut this isn't true---- I believe our value is established by God--separate from anything we do- or don't do....-- I guess- I'm still suffering with CAD-- Culturally Affective Disorder--(yes- I think I made that up- but I know it exists) - Like it or not , I am affected by our market driven culture! I'm STILL working on that!

I'm sorry for assuming that's how you feel- or what you think. It has nothing to do with you. It's about how I'm valuing or DE-valuing myself. I can choose NOT to be affected by culture. My heart is to be affected by God.

3) Sometimes I think you look down on me because I stay home... Like, I'm a loser who couldn't get a job..or- .like I'm stupid or something...

That makes me feel insecure--- feeling insecure- makes me feel defensive---- like I need to defend the RIGHTNESS of my choice to stay home.... In order to do that--- I have to prove You are wrong. If I prove that I'm right-(well- and prove that you're wrong) -- you can't look DOWN on me...... then I don't have to feel insecure.

I'm sorry about that..... It's not right to take my insecurities out on you. They didn't come from you. You may not even feel that way. Assuming is always a problem.

4) Sometimes I think you're selfish. The truth is--- I am. Sometimes, (at moments) my decision to stay home has been because I just couldn't let someone else love my kids... or experience their lives with them....sometimes I hate the selfish part of ME that says "Get a job... escape before these kids turn your brain to mush..." There are things I do as a woman--- FOR ME. So I can function... as a wife and as a Mom.... if I don't do them... well- people will die--- ok--- thats a little dramatic--- but their spirits-- their emotional beings would sure be "wrecked" so would mine. It's crazy to judge you for doing what you need to... you should.

Maybe you DO need to work--- in order to BE a good Mom.... maybe it's for financial reasons... maybe it's a passionate call on your life.... anyways- I'm sorry for just thinking it's because you're selfish. It's NOT my job to judge or assume your motives--- honestly- I have a hard enough time sorting thru my own. It's wrong to put my feelings of selfishness onto you.

5) Finally- especially to the single Moms--- I'm sorry for being jealous of you- too. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to argue with someone else about how to parent the kids, or about WHAT to cook for dinner-- or what to do on the weekend......I know I SHOULD appreciate having the input. I should appreciate the SHARING...but- I don't always--- well- probably because I like CONTROL......

While marriage has issues all of it's own. It's also wonderful..... I love being married--- and I'm sorry that sometimes that may make you jealous too----but- theres not much I can do about that. Please help me learn how to be your friend--- without feeling guilty about being married-or having to pretend like I don't....--- Cause- well... then I feel like I have to defend myself too--- and that just ends up messy for both of us. It's a hard road- but I want to learn to navigate it.

So- here's the net/net-

I am AWOL from the Mommy Wars. I look AWFUL in camouflage anyways. (side bar--- what IS mommy Camouflage? diapers--- toilet paper? Drivers permits? Barney DVD's? (I hate Barney ,BTW)
I don't know--- but, I prefer black... it doesn't make my butt look as big.

It will still be hard to learn how to Mother along side of you--we are different- but we're also the same. I will probably mess up again... I'll get insecure---defensive. I'll have a hard time separating what God is calling ME to do--- from what God is calling you to do.
We can do different things- and both be right.

I'll try to see your perspective.. or better- yet--- I'll ASK you what it is... instead of assuming....(that's a novel thought!) I'm still not sure how we can both be right-(we are) --- but- I suppose I don't have to understand. Because it IS true- separate from what I believe or feel... Some things just are true- you don't have to understand.

If you're wondering WHY I bothered... well- I guess it's cause I really sense that God wants moms to "give it a rest"..... it's kind of tough to rest.. when you're at war..... the vet's that I know say it's nearly impossible....

How do I know it was God? Well... that's a whole "OTHER" question....Let's just say--- sometimes- for me anyways-- God whispers in the voices of other people... (not just in my head---;) 3 different times I heard about the "Mommy Wars" in the past few weeks... and I'm reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller... I AM NOT Donald Miller--(as far as I know he's never even been a mother) -

I am challenged by it.

I am also challenged to respond to these verses--- cause--- I DON'T know your heart- or motive... and you don't know mine.... unless we're honest. Only God knows. So thats it--- as honest as I can be--- (cause there are probably things I don't understand about myself yet)

I'm sorry.

Peace to all Moms-

love , a SAHM
Hebrews 4:6-
6It still remains that some will enter that rest, and those who formerly had the gospel preached to them did not go in, because of their disobedience. 7Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before:
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts."[d] 8For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. 9There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; 10for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. 11Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.
12For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 13Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
Jesus the Great High Priest
14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens,[e] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Dear Jesus- I ask you to help me with "the Mommy wars" I WANT these issues to be settled-(at least for me)-- but they will probably rear up again.... please help me to be confident in my own choices without demeaning the choices of- or judging the motives of others---- I also ask you for wisdom Lord--- because- sometimes- we DO need to lovingly confront someone about stuff---- and it's hard to know what to confront--- and what to respect as different. I'm just glad you CAN sympathize with ALL of our weaknesses. I love you Lord- and trust you with my heart- Amen.

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