We stepped out of the car - after a long day of bowling birthday parties and family time, I was starting to feel sick, tired and was moving slow. Complaining. Noah, my youngest son, noticed.
"Follow me Mom, step in my prints" He was trying to make my path easier. He had that "little boy trying to be big" look on his face. The one that says "I can lead the way." I love that boy.
But- I couldn't do it. He wanted me to follow him, stepping in his tiny footprints, leaving none of my own. Can't be done. My feet are bigger than his. (For the moment- anyway) Every time I stepped down, My footprints eliminated his. I tried tip-toeing. Nope. I tried hopping. Nope.
Can't be done.
This weekend- I went to the Living Proof Ministries, Living Proof Live , With Beth Moore. I went with a few questions in mind. Questions of direction. I took copious notes, (though with my handwritting I may or may not be able to decipher them!) and several points went straight to my heart. But- at the end of the day- I wasn't feeling anything solid. I felt like God had spoken- but not about what I had asked. Honestly- I felt a bit disappointed.
I went home- continuing to pray. Tired. The good kind of tired- though- for the most part. Sunday morning- I woke up- feeling sick. Went through my day, with my questions of God hanging in the air like an unfinished sentence.
At the end of the day- we stepped out of the car. "Follow me Mom, step in my prints". I laughed. I tried. I couldn't.
"Neither can I" I sensed God saying in my heart.
Funny thing about God- He does all the leading. He makes the decisions. He's God- I'm not. Yet- I realized- I sometimes think God has to line up with my expectations- my understanding. He doesn't.
The maker of the universe, makes the rules. He alone makes the plans that form my life and days.
A number of months back- I started a project. (A writing project) One that I felt a strongly about and recieved a number of confirmations about. One that scares me to death.
Somewhere along the line- I decided that this plan- didn't make sense. So therefore- it cannot be God. (I know- I know- when has God ever made sense?) But that's how I felt.
"How on Earth can I write about this.... when I am a MESS? Wouldn't it make more sense If I had it all together first? I must have heard wrong" All the rules- say you write about experiences- after the fact. The rules of teaching say- you teach from experience 5-7 years later. Not in the middle of them. That's when my questioning of the whole idea started. The more afraid I felt- the more questions. Questions I was waiting for answers to- before I would move- at all.
But was I really asking questions? Or stalling? Or telling God what and how He should accomplish His will?
1) Trying to give myself an out. If I hadn't heard from God- then I didn't have to do it.
2) Trying to make God- walk in my footprints. The footprints I created, footprints of rule following logic. (logic in my mind, anyway)
Until I stepped out the the car- and tried to follow in Noahs "prints." Can't be done.
Neither can (more appropriately- neither -will) God.
This morning- there was this:
20But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' "[h] 21Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?
Back talk. Yep that's me. Talking back to God- offering Him a more sensible plan. Creating footprints for Him to follow. Telling Him what he can- should be making of my life. It's not that I think there is some "noble" versus "common" purpose for me. It's just that I thought the purpose should make sense!
Lord- these aren't new lessons. Please forgive me for trying to tell you what your plan should be- for telling you- to step into my footprints. So- with all my heart- whatever your plan- I want to say "YES, LORD" (and- Lord- if I need a kick in the pants- go ahead- there's plenty there to kick.)
I will move slow. I am afraid. But- I trust God. Either way.